Friday, July 16, 2010

I'm A Poop Hero (You Can Be One Too)!!

As so often is the case, the answer to the question hanging in your head after reading something odd and vaguely concerning on this this site (such as the title of this entry) is YES. Yes, this will be a post about my bowel movements. Hey, fecal matter is furiously funny (and alliteration often annoying), so resign yourself to the fact that although I am not a mommy-blogger who can regale you with hilarious antidotes about the funny-runny that just won't stay in little shmoopy's diaper, etc I still think I have the right to talk poop. I mean if you can laugh about Dooce's Shit Storm entries, than I deserve a little leeway. If you think it is only funny when it is about babies, then that is just ageism, man and I can't hang with that kind of discrimination.

Thus I present, Poop, A Story of Success.

It was a Sunday late afternoon. I was just putzing around my apartment, likely putting off all work that a responsible adult would be engaging in. It was Sacramento summer heat so I was doing my putzing in underwear and a t-shirt. I was relaxed, well fed and unknowingly preparing for one of the best poops of my life.

If you have read here before, you are aware that my GI track is perpetually plagued by stress, bad food reactions, etc. You know, the Generation Y "something really serious is wrong with me, because my stomach is not perfect at all times, and IT'S PROBABLY CANCER you guys" complaint du jour. (However, Celiac Disease is no joke for those contemporaries of mine that have it, so you are exempt from this judgement.) I'm not pretending that I don't lean more towards the "small bad thing= DISASTER" end of the nervous/calm spectrum. I know this is true, but just as I freak at the sign of gastrointestinal broo-ha-ha, I also can celebrate the success. Oh Yes I Can (thank you Obama, for believing in me).

Okay, so back to my useless story. I was changing the music on my stereo, taking out the Tom Petty CD that had been in frequent rotation and putting in Raphael Saadiq (seriously, check him out. Of Tony Toni Tone!, but his solo stuff blows my ever lovin' mind. Think early Marvin Gaye, but with more current RnB sensibilities.) to dance around to in said underwear. I have it on good authority that pretty much everyone like to dance around in their underwear, in a manner they do in no other setting. A little booty-wiggle into the first song and I was all I need to poop, I think. No more than five notes later and it became I definitely am about to go take an awesome crap. In fact I can tell right now that this will be a superwoman kind of poop. And then out loud to my empty apartment, "I AM GOING TO GO BE A POOP HERO RIGHT NOW."

And I did. Oh did I.

Details are not necessary (you're welcome) as the act was not the main point. No, rather it was the satisfaction that beamed from my face afterwards. You have had them, I know you have. Shits that make you want to pat your own back and record what you ate and then eat that every day for the rest of your life if that means you take craps of that caliber more often. I know it isn't a common topic of discussion, but it is a feeling that can unite us. Bring peace to the earth, be a poop hero.

Hmm, so maybe the slogan and supporting argument needs work, but you get the idea. It is as simple as this: Right before you go to the bathroom announce to your cat (or internally if your family is really not into this idea) "I AM GOING TO GO BE A POOP HERO" and then go forth and shit bricks of awesome. Afterwards I advise standing in front of the mirror with you hands on your hips and your chin up. Power exudes from every pore, fire light flicks in your eyes, but it is a benevolent strength you possess. The world for a brief moment make sense and you see through time and that gravity is an illusion and all the strings wiggling as the basis of everything makes sense. It is quite the sensation, people.

Should I get some shirts printed up? "I'M A POOP HERO" on the front and "You can be one too!!! Just ask me how!" on the back. The movement will gain momentum for sure this way.

Heh. Movement.


Gin said...

I love you.
I want to be a poop hero when I grow up.
Or tomorrow morning.

I stole your Prozac said...

Isn't it great? Anyone can be a poop hero if they want. Equal opportunity fecal heroism!!