Friday, April 2, 2010

Catch As Catch Can

Shit. This a catch up blog post. I took a break from publishing as life got busy and the posts that got started certainly didn't get finished. I think I have four or five posts still in the "edit" phase and today I am pulling some of them together in no real order and with no real purpose. Just a release of them and perhaps a release of some of these thoughts.

Orange wedges, divorce papers, forgotten about loads of laundry, spring walks, friends, internship, crushing on someone, ukulele jamming. These things, among a few others pretty much sum me up these days.

Exhibit A: I took to eating orange wedges in the mornings after seeing my niece go to town on them recently. She is nearly two years old and has a more developed palate for food than I did at 16, I think. If it's not oranges, it's grapefruit, or banana, or lentils, or salsa, or... you see where this goes. When her mom or dad cuts up the wedges of orange she wiggles in her highchair and reaches with a smile and hint of a whine in her voice if it takes too long. Once her plate is in front of her she jams the wedge into her mouth, slurping and gnawing away with a blissed out look on her face. There is much to learn from the young, and even if all I figure out is to eat fruit with distinct and obvious pleasure, I am totally cool with that.

Exhibit B: My dear friend came up with and introduced me to the term "the Divortex" and I love him for it. In essence it is can be defined as any conversation that spirals rapidly into only focusing on the proceeding of a individual's divorce you are not legally involved in and that does not allow you to extradite yourself with ease. The only surefire way to end the cycle of chatter is to establish "divortex" as a safe word of sorts that cues the other person that they have taken over the conversation to a degree that is no longer acceptable. I make a point to not really talk about the divorce at length to anyone, but there have been moments when the sympathetic ear of another has allowed me to teeter at the edge and once or twice, fall in. Swirled around faster and faster amongst legal forms, emotions, useless theories... it is a dangerous place to visit for anyone, even for me as I go through the process. Printing out the forms and filling them out for the first, tentative time was... heavy. I sort of buzzed in my fingers and lifted above myself at times, like the feeling you get right before you come down with the flu. Distant and confused.

Exhibit C: From February:

The light is changing in Sacramento. More often the grey morning breaks open by noon into puzzle pieces of huge puffy clouds and bastions of blue. I wasn't so sure I was ready to lose the promise of rain, muffled noises from the street... but after one afternoon of ennui the moment the sun shown in through my window, I think I am ready. It was silly, I suppose, to mope like a teenager when the weather did not suit my tastes exactly. And it happens every spring. I get a little panicky when the ratio of rain clouds to blue sky tilts in the latter's direction. It takes a few days to remember how the clear, clean light of spring brings promise, little buds on spindly branches, voices bouncing off buildings up into the open sky...

Many years ago February consistently was the hardest month for me. It harkened back to times of strife and stress. Those of you that know me well, remember how you became more vigilant and most likely more worried for me. Each February I feel it less and less until, I nearly don't feel it at all. And hopefully, so do my loved ones.

This year the rebirth metaphor of the season is particularly apt. I have a freshly tilled garden in which to plant whatever my heart desires. Never having a green thumb to begin with, I am hesitant to really go wild with it. I may love to look at dalia's, but I haven't the faintest idea how to care for them. And so it is with new endeavors, too. New friendships, new projects, new affections. I am operating on intuition and a solid dose of hope. Come on, blossoms! Wow me like I think you just might.

Exhibit D: The new affection. It isn't that new anymore. He's been around more often and I'd like to think I am better for it. I don't know how much to say or even how to say it. I'll just start with the words that come up first. Heartbeats, goosebumps, coffee and tea, fingertips to fingertips, silly chatter, meaningful talks, journal entries, discovery, surprise, trust, music, postcards, dreams (day and night), being present, being calm and excited all at once, reality exceeding fantasy. I realized I don't care if it is "too soon" or just a smidge crazy of me to feel all of these things. Life is for the living and I feel so very alive these days. A New Year's kiss that has brought me thrills and beyond as the months have passed. Fuck yeah.

Sie sind mein herz.

1 comment:

an island year said...

well-done words. and always good to hear your voice here. xoxo