Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Pep Talk To Myself

I am getting really good at being strong. Not physically strong, of course. In fact, I think my arms were sore for two days after carrying four heavy grocery bags barely two blocks recently. I mean, I am mentally and emotionally capable of dealing with loads of shit in ways I never was before. And let me tell you, there is shit everywhere these days. Okay, well I need different imagery, but you get the idea. I have had so many sleepless nights in the last 6 months... nights fraught with worry and anger. Days filled with moving forward as much as life allows, which often is not particularly far and frequently I get pulled back behind where I was even further. Losing my job was a huge blow. I am glad to be rid of it, but the timing was just about the worst ever. Pretty much the moment I had some money in my savings account dedicated to a very important use in my near future I had to let go of that plan. It is now my emergency survival fund as opposed to the deposit and first months rent in a new place.
This reality keeps me stuck like a lightning bug in a jar. I have some grass and a twig, but there is no escape until the fates release me. I can flicker all night long, but to no avail if no one sees me or if they think it isn't such a bad deal being contained like this. I know, I am being esoteric with my metaphors here.

I am one of those people that avoids getting angry as much as possible. I don't like to raise my voice, I don't like being cruel or cutting to another person. However, I know I have a depth of rage in me about some of the things that have happened in my life. The things no one asks for, never wishes on another, but they happen anyway. Rape, manic-depression, job loss, watching someone choose substances over their relationship with you for just too long... What I am learning about myself is that I am finally capable of taking the hurt and anger and using it for something greater than it really is. (Giving myself a little slack when I provide someone with a piece of my mind doesn't hurt either.) I never pretend that I have it all figured out or that I am some pro at dealing with the fucked up parts, but I am able to see the progress I have made and how much better off I am these days.

Ya know, just harnessing the power and energy of life's shit-storms on the regular.
I really gotta get better metaphors around here.


Anonymous said...


rk said...

Three cheers for resilience, perseverance, evolution and attitude!
The light of the lighting bug shines through the glass.