As Andre 3000 (heart) so wisely serenaded us, "mother-fuck the wagon, come join the band." I have been ruminating on this point for a while now. Making a concerted effort to decrease my alcohol intake while tasting life in a fuller way. I thought at first it would be embarrassingly difficult and that life may actually take on grayer shades. How will I let my hair down? What will my friends say when everyone is drinking martini's and I ask for a 7-up? Will I change?
The answer was and is surprising to me. To my delight I am just as loud, spontaneous and likely to dance as when I have had a few. Further, and more importantly, my mental health has stabilized in a way I was never sure was in the cards for me. Not that I am suddenly schizoid-free by a long shot, but things aren't as scary. I have also found a dosage of medicine and herbal supplements that encourage less bingeing and purging of the emotion sort. I feel more certain of myself and don't have to experience extreme highs and lows to know I am alive. I still cry and gasp at movies, engage fully in the suspension of disbelief (a topic I want to discuss further on this blog as it develops) when reading an excellent book, I feel creative and goofy as much as ever... the thing that is missing is that manic Anna. the one that scared everyone, drove away from places drunk and crying, left marks on her skin and others. It is not as though everything is suddenly tied up with a bow. The band is hard work and somedays I am not up for it. Those days I stay in bed, cuddle with my cats and think, think, think. And those days are okay. I mean, they suck a lot, but I get the distinct impression that I can, in fact make it through them without dying. This is more than used to be people, so we're focusing on the positive.
I don't believe in god or destiny anymore. I believe in the now. The moment we are in is what we have. No doubt I will go to someone's wedding and get shitty drunk on occasion, forget to take my meds, or go on a crying jag here and there. These things happen. Not for some existential reason, but because choices are offered and events occur. Perhaps I am getting too zen for my britches... there is that risk during times of reflection.
So yeah, the band. way better than the wagon by a million miles.
2 comments:
Just discovered your blog and love it! I try to live life as raw as possible and not filter out emotions good or bad. I wonder if drinking and rec drugs help this (part of life) or hinder (mask or distort real emotion). Do you know?
I can never give a clear yes/no, black/white answer to save my life, but depending where your head is at, drugs and drink can be free and fun or risky and ultimately selfish. It is up to the individual to determine what their use or lack of means for them and the people around them. At the time I wrote that post I was in a needed dry out phase (which I believe I ditched shortly after) and was ruminating on my own use of alcohol to cope in less than constructive ways.
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